She wasn't even allowed to call her 'mammy' in front of the rest of her family. What Margaret didn't know was that her mother had become pregnant out of wedlock and abandoned by her father.

When her father remarried Margaret felt like an outsider in her new family. She moved to England where she became involved with an alcoholic.

She returned home pregnant - she was still fighting for her place in her family and the fight to survive.

It was then she read about NEST (New Experience for Survivors of Trauma) in the 'Derry Journal'. Today she shares her amazing story.


"As a little girl I was brought up my single mother and her parents. I was the apple of my grandfather's eye. But I craved for approval from my mother. What was wrong with me that mammy didn't love me?

"Don't get me wrong, I was fed and clothed but I wasn't special. I didn't get the affection I craved from her. Indeed my mother resented me. I always felt in her way; felt that I was always holding her back. I was merely being tolerated, like an unwanted guest.

"When I learned the whole story, I could appreciate why she felt as she did and why she behaved as she behaved, but can you imagine the damage inflicted on a little child, the lasting damage. In retrospect, I know that I was what psychologists call a neglected child, a victim of abuse, whereby I was starved of the affection and love so greatly needed to help me develop fully.

"So what about my mother's life? In her early twenties she met the love of her life and they had talked about getting married and having a family, but she became pregnant with me.

My father, under pressure from his family (so it was said) left the country and didn't want to know. My mother, grieving for her lost love and saddled with a pregnancy, had only her parents to support her. Is it any wonder then that I became the focus of her resentment? Was I not responsible for the situation in which she now found herself. If only……?
"Eventually my mother married, when I was very young. I had half siblings whom I loved and still love dearly but I became an outsider in this family group. My stepfather's affection didn't stretch as far as me.

"Indeed his first love had always been alcohol and my mother found herself under additional pressures. But for me there was always granddad, my lovely, kind gentle grandad. He was the mainstay of my life. Did it really matter if my mother forbade me to call her "mammy" in the presence of her in-laws? Did it really matter that I felt she didn't want to own me in public? Grandad loved me. I was his treasure. And then grandad died.

"After that, it seemed to me I was passed from relative to relative, from pillar to post and although I was well looked after, I knew that I was in the way. I knew that they just felt sorry for me. To protect myself emotionally I developed a thick shell and became an independent loner, so different from other children at school. And as you know, any one who is different is usually a target for bullying.

"At sixteen, (now grown up!) I left home to work overseas. I became a barmaid. I loved the work. And then there was John* a regular - perhaps too regular- the dark, good looking one, the idol of my girlfriends but who only seemed interested in me.

"His persistence paid off and we became a couple. Perhaps I had something to offer after all. He too had a traumatic childhood; he too had low self-esteem and a low self-image, but alcohol brought him relief and solace. We loved each other. We tried to understand each other but two damaged, hurt people cannot heal each other and John drank too often. AA was eventually contacted and it was there that I was introduced to AL ANON the organisation for people whose lives had been affected by an alcoholic partner, relative, parent.

"Al ANON helped me to see that I was not the only one harmed by alcoholic abuse. Our love for each other was great but our problems were greater. At one time suicide seemed the only way out but a failed attempt and AL ANON helped me to realise that the relationship with John was not working and staying with him was doing untold damage to me.
"And I was pregnant- alone and grieving for a lost love and about to return home. Does this story sound familiar? History was about to repeat itself. I came back home and I was in the way – again.

Unloved
"It wasn't verbalised, but I was urged to find my own place as soon as it was convenient. And I did. I was determined that my baby would never feel unwanted or a burden, or unloved or responsible for my situation. Life was hard but I was sorting myself out. Or was I? Yes in practical situations I was coping, but emotionally I was a hopeless case, of little value, of little worth and with nothing to offer. One to one counselling helped only a little. I found it very difficult to express how I felt in a meaningful way.

"And then NEST entered my life. Initially I thought that this organisation was predominantly for people who had suffered sexual abuse, but I realised that deep trauma can result from many situations – childhood emotional neglect, (like me) physical abuse, abortion.
"I was able to identify with the feelings, which others in the group admitted to, and it helped me to verbalise how I felt, something I found difficulty with in one-to-one counselling. I became able to understand why I felt, how I felt and why I was behaving the way I did. There was also an extra dimension to a group, whose participants, over a period of time, accepted and trusted and needed each other. When the going got tough, as self-reflection is always difficult, we had each other to support us and carry us through.

"I feel fulfilled and happy and I thank NEST from the bottom of my heart.
"I wish to make it clear that I am writing about my feelings, for which I alone must take responsibility."

Margaret* is a pseudonym.
Nest is a registered charity - for more information contact Gerry 02879645395, Sandra 02871347220 or 02879642983.
http://www.terapeuta.ro/english/nest_training/what_is_nest_16.html (Internationally).