Then three years ago, after decades of chronic alcohol abuse, Lisa stopped drinking - and finally started the grieving process for her daughter.

Lisa is one of the lucky ones. Thanks to the care she received at the White Oaks Rehabilitation Centre in Muff she's finally got her life back.

But she says she'll always regret the years she wasted drinking.
Lisa was drunk when she went to bed with her four month old baby daughter 21 years ago. When she woke up, she discovered her baby had died.

"Drink had robbed me of those last few hours with my daughter. The pain of her death took me to higher levels of drinking," said Lisa. "Every day without her was an excuse to drink

"One night in my sister's house when everyone had gone to bed I raided the drinks cabinet. I heard her baby crying upstairs. I carried the baby downstairs and put sausages on the grill. When my sister came down she found me trying to feed sausages to the baby. I never knew about that incident until I went into White Oaks."

Lying in hospital three years ago Lisa was told if she didn't stop drinking she'd either die or have a stroke.

"I begged for death," Lisa told the 'Journal.'

"I decided I'd rather die than live without drink. I remember thinking that death would be ok for me because if I had a stroke I wouldn't be able to get to the off licence."

Lisa's drinking began when she was 15.

"There was never any drink at home," she said. "But when I started drinking I had to keep going until I was drunk. I wouldn't remember what happened the night before. But I never thought what I was doing was strange, I thought all my friends were having the same blackouts."
She moved to England in hers 20s and took a job in a bar.

"Looking back now I see I chose a job that fitted in with my drinking," she said. "But I was able to live productively for a long time. I was a successful landlady, but the drinking continued. I'd have a drink first thing in the morning, telling myself I was thirsty, the drinking would carry on throughout the day.

"Ten years ago my drinking took over. I lost my pub and moved to a bedsit where I lived alone on benefits I never went to bed, I just stayed up drinking. I had no friends, drink was my best friend."

Attacked
It was when Lisa was attacked on the way home one night that things started to change.

"I woke up at home covered in cuts and bruises," she explained. "I couldn't remember anything, I didn't even know if I'd been raped. I went to my GP, at that time I told him about seizures I'd been having, he said that I couldn't live alone anymore, I might not wake up from the next seizure."

It was a frightened Lisa who returned to Ireland five years ago, carrying all her worldly possessions in just one black bin liner.
"I moved in with my mother but my family had no idea about my lifestyle," she said. "At home I couldn't drink the way I wanted to. One morning my mother came into the kitchen and caught me swigging a bottle of vodka by the neck."

Lisa left home and moved to a small flat where she lived alone for the next three years.

"I remember the family would have little parties I wasn't invited to," she said. "I know now how bad I was. I was the drunk. I thought I was happy go lucky but in truth the way I was behaving when I was drinking was scaring even the children. I spoiled everything for everyone. The next morning I couldn't remember what I'd done, and no one told me.
"I didn't eat, all I did was drink, I spent every penny I had on alcohol."

Lisa's health took a turn for the worse when her seizures left her in hospital.

"The doctor told me if my drinking didn't stop I'd end up dead or with a stroke. But by then I didn't want to live anymore. Dying was the easier option."

Lisa was referred to an addiction counsellor and sent to be screened for treatment at White Oaks.

Hallucinations
"I remember those days vividly because I was on medication to help with my withdrawal" she said. "My hallucinations were of lizards and tribesmen who had spears with my head on them. As soon as I was weaned off my medication I got the call I'd been waiting for, White Oaks were ready to take me."

Lisa spent more than a month as a resident in White Oaks.
"The experience was a huge change," she said.

"Even getting up at a definite time would confuse me. I hadn't eaten breakfast in years. The days were very intense and structured. We had family days where my family came in and talked with me. I learned things on those days I had never realised."

After her residential period Lisa moved out. She still attended her follow up sessions every Monday night for the next two years. She never touched a drop of alcohol again.

"I did everything I was advised to, the aftercare I had, stopped me slipping. The seizures stopped and I got my life back," she said.
"My little niece who I tried to feed the sausages to as baby is my whole world. She is a huge part of what keeps me sober. When my sister trusted me to look after her again I knew I was on the road to recovery.
"Without White Oaks and my family I wouldn't be here today. I'm still an alcoholic, but one who doesn't drink anymore. I'm happy and it's real.

Heart breaks
"My heart breaks for the young people today drinking the way I did. Twenty five years down the line I couldn't even be bothered to pour it into a glass, I drank it straight from the bottle.

"Three years ago I couldn't go for an hour without drinking - now I haven't drunk in three years."

White Oaks Rehabilitation Centre, which was opened by Father Neal Carlin in 1972, takes patients predominantly from Donegal, but from all over Ireland.

It provides a 30 day residential programme, group therapy and individual counselling. Family sessions are held once a week. The centre provides treatment for people living with an alcohol, drugs or gambling addiction. It is the only treatment centre of its kind in the North West.

You can contact the centre on 00353 (74) 9384400.
*Lisa is a pseudonym