Olivier Dahan’s Grace Kelly biopic should come with a very clear health warning.
Perhaps it could read: ‘watching this film can cause your IQ to decrease dramatically’.
I most certainly felt more stupid when I left screen seven of the Moviebowl than before I went in on Tuesday and the only reason for this sudden lapse in basic human functions was the absolute garbage that I’d just watched; ‘Grace of Monaco’.
Honestly, I puffed and panted so much the whole way through Dahan’s movie that by the time the credits started to roll I felt extremely lighted headed.
Taxing my car in my local post office is a much more rewarding experience than ‘Grace of Monaco’ and believe me, like everyone else, I absolutely hate taxing my car.
Dahan’s movie comes hot on the heels of the monumental disaster that was ‘Diana’ but unbelievably ‘Grace of Monaco’ is much worse.
‘Grace of Monaco’ is not a biopic.
Rather, it is “fiction based on real events... a human portrait of a modern woman who wants to reconcile her family, her husband, her career,” claimed Dahan.
Relatives of real life Princess Grace of Monaco have labelled the film a “farce” and it’s such a mess that director Dahan described Harvey Weinstein’s cut of the movie for a US audience a “pile of s***”.
Well, if Mr. Weinstein’s cut is a “pile of s***” then Dahan’s initial offering is a steaming cow pat.
Excepting the stunning landscapes of the sun drenched principality of Monaco, there are virtually no redeeming features here at all.
Nicole Kidman looks like, well, Nicole Kidman, and quite frankly I’d have found the entire 103 minutes much more entertaining and whimsical had they cast Sinn Fein MLA Gerry Kelly as Princess Grace Kelly of Monaco.
There’s a stench coming from Dahan’s film from start to finish and the fact that we are supposed to side with tax dodging millionaires just makes the whole premise absolutely incredulous.
I have long suspected Nicole Kidman as an average actress at best and when she utters such lines as “do you believe in fairytales” I couldn’t help but feel that my inclinations had been on the money.
Kidman has the movie star appearance but the substance just is not there and she looks as much like Grace Kelly as I do Denzel Washington.
It’s regrettable with the amount of acting talent on show in ‘Grace of Monaco’ that the movie goes on to be so unbearably bad.
Derek Jacobi, Tim Roth, Frank Langella and Nicholas Farrell have all proved that they are a cut above the rest which left me wondering why they would want to be associated with something so contrived and nonsensical as ‘Grace of Monaco’.
The worst offender in this film is Olivier Dahan. The man redefines the word pretentious with his constant close ups of Kidman’s eyes, nose and face. It adds literally nothing extra to the film and it was so poorly done that I started to think that it may not have been unintentional.
It was hard to fathom whether the crowd inside the packed theatre at the Moviebowl loathed this one as much as I did but it’s suffice to say that there are people out there, like Dahan, who have no problem sticking their head in the sand and conjuring up their own image of reality.
Kidman portrays Kelly like some defender of the poor and upholder of social values. It’s a tad ridiculous listening to a woman harp on about how “love can change the world” whilst wearing a necklace which, if sold, would leave you with change after you’d cleared Ireland’s financial deficit.
If you regard yourself as a member of the human race who has their house in order do not go and see this film but if you feel life is more bearable by ignoring all your problems in the hope they go away then ‘Grace of Monaco’ is sure to tip you over the edge.
‘Grace of Monaco’ is currently showing at the Brunswick Moviebowl. For full cinema listings visit www.brunswickmoviebowl.com or telephone 02871 371 999.
VERDICT: 1 out of 5 - If you value the time you have on this planet then don’t waste it by going to see this God awful movie.
A serial killer has more redeeming features than ‘Grace of Monaco’ and when the only thing good about the movie is mountains and ocean then you know it’s not going to be a good night at the movies. Nicole Kidman is atrocious and if there was a prize for the worst management of proven talent on screen then director Olivier Dahan would win hands down with the casting of Tim Roth, Frank Langella and Derek Jacobi. Instead of feeling regal and righteous, ‘Grace of Monaco’ ends up being as tasteful as a selfie at a wake house.