50 Shades of Grey - Review

Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in '50 Shades of Grey'.
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in '50 Shades of Grey'.

If promoting sexual violence against women is your thing then ‘50 Shades of Grey’ is definitely the movie for you.

And, no, I haven’t nor do I ever intend on reading the books by E.L. James because quite frankly I would much rather bang my head repeatedly off the side of the Guildhall than have to endure one more minute with the utterly pathetic Anastasia Steele and uber misogynist, Christian Grey.

Jamie Dornan.

Jamie Dornan.

If I am being completely honest, I was disappointed with the film adaptation of E.L. James’ best selling book because I was hoping the movie would be so bad I would hate it. It’s much more serious than that.

Despite the fact ‘50 Shades of Grey’ has received so awful reviews it is still the most talked about movie this year. It’s well and truly on the social media radar and for reason it enjoys a cult following from the female of the species.

In a nutshell, Dakota Johnson plays shrinking violet virgin, Anastasia Steele, who is sent to interview 27 year-old billionaire tycoon Christian Grey for a student newspaper.

Mr. Grey is presented as enigmatic but takes a shine to little old Anastasia and before you can say cable ties, rope and masking tape, he has Anastasia over his lap like a disobedient four year-old.

Grey, who enjoys whipping and beating women with a sex toy which can only be described as a giant sized spatula, is utterly awful and as to why any woman would desire such a man is a mystery to me.

Grey is played by Northern Ireland actor, Jamie Dornan and before some of you put forward the reason for my 50 shades of apathy is because I am jealous of Mr. Grey then I must inform you that despite the fact I am nowhere near as dashing as the aforementioned sadist, I have never had to ask for a woman to sign a contract before sleeping with me.

Dornan is awful. Awkward, wooden, amateurish and completely out of his depth are words and phrases I would use to describe his performance. Nothing in the known universe will prepare you for just how horrific he is.

Mr. Dornan might be quite easy on the eye but personally speaking I think a dead seagull would have been more convincing.

Dakota Johnson’s performance is the film’s one saving grace. She brings a level of humour to the film but sadly, despite the fact she can clearly act, she will be forever remembered for her role as Anastasia Steele.

Then there’s the sex.

A review of ‘50 Shades of Grey’ wouldn’t be a proper review if I didn’t discuss the sex (if one can even call it that).

Since the books were released several years ago I have heard countless people talk about just how hot and steamy the sex scenes between Anastasia and Christian were. Where the film is concerned, they are anything but.

I am not nymphomaniac nor am I a prude but the sex scenes in the film are so tame that it made me think I’d probably seen raunchier on Shipquay Street on a Saturday night.

There are so many things wrong with this film that it’s hard to know where to start and where to end but ‘50 Shades of Grey’ comes with one of, (if not the worst) the worst scripts I have ever heard since I started watching films 30 years ago.

According to Mr. Grey “he doesn’t do romance” and if Anastasia was his “she wouldn’t be able to walk for a week”. The script is so cringing that by the time the film was over I’d squirmed and tensed up so much that I had a derrière just like Mr. Dornan’s (a boy can dream).

Some will opt out of the seriousness of what this film has to say about women and men but personally I think it sends out all the wrong messages.

Where is the strong female? Where is the respectful and loving male? Where is the laughing and giggling in bed after having sex? It’s nowhere to be seen. In fact, ‘50 Shades of Grey’ is so far removed from reality that it makes movies like ‘Star Wars’ and ‘The Lord of the Rings’ appear plausible.

If you want my advice, save your money and spend it on a gift for your better half. A punch in the face from a stranger would be more fun!

VERDICT: 1/5 - In a world where we are constantly crying out for strong females to inspire a new generation of women we are presented with weak and pathetic Anastasia Steele who consents to be Mr. Christian Grey’s play thing in the name of love. The way women are treated in this film is absolutely awful and more people who speak about this casual approach to misogny, aggressive control and sexual domination the better. Not only is ‘50 Shades of Grey’ quite an ugly and nasty movie it comes with one of the worst scripts of all time. Jamie Dornan is so wooden that one of his ancestors has to be a sycamore tree. Dakota Johnson is the only redeeming feature.