Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Review

Left to right: Raphael, Splinter, Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Megan Fox as April O'Neil in 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'.

Left to right: Raphael, Splinter, Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Megan Fox as April O'Neil in 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'.

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I honestly believe Derry’s Peace Bridge would have been better cast as April O’Neill, than Megan Fox.

Fox, who is undoubtedly stunningly beautiful, has as much charisma as a dead Daddy Long Legs.

Megan Fox in 'Teeange Mutant Ninja Turtles'.

Megan Fox in 'Teeange Mutant Ninja Turtles'.

Megan Fox plays story chasing reporter April O’Neill in ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ and she has managed to discover a whole new level of mind numbingly bad acting I never knew existed.

The crimes against cinema don’t stop there.

I am a child of the 80s/90s and when I was younger I would never have missed an episode featuring my favourite heroes in half shells.

The first ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ was released in 1990 and while it was never going to win any Oscars it wasn’t a bad offering by any stretch of the imagination.

Fast forward 24 years and South African born director, Jonathan Liebesman decides he is going to have another bite of the cherry.

The only reason I can come up with for why Liebesman decided to re-launch the franchise was purely financial because the film’s plot (and I use this word lightly here) is so non-existent that it makes the idea of hobbits, a dark lord and a very important ring seem utterly plausible.

‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ is so bad that it should could come with the following warning: ‘this movie will make you stupider’.

It’s crazy stupid. In fact, it’s so incredulously stupid and bonkers that punching yourself in the face ten times would be much more enjoyable.

Trying to search for positive things to say about ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ is so utterly futile that I would much rather take my chances with hurling myself off an extremely high building.

Obviously the film isn’t aimed at misanthropic 30 somethings such as myself but if something’s good, it’s good, it really is that simple and if your children or anyone you know actually enjoys this tripe then perhaps it’s time to start considering private tuition. As a famous supermarket puts it - ‘every little helps’.

I hated this film so much that I can’t even bring myself to recollect what it’s about because I am terrified that I actually might spontaneously combust and I would like to live just a little longer.

The acting is wooden and clichéd; the turtles are not cool but instead extremely annoying and villain Shredder is so devoid of a personality that fresh air would have been more menacing.

But, what do I know? Go and see it for yourself!

‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ opens today at the Brunswick Moviebowl.