Halloween is almost here, which means there’s no better time to watch some scary movies.
But don’t waste your time with the rancid modern remakes - if you want some real chills, take a trip back to the heyday of horror and watch some 1980s originals!
The acting may be awful and plots may be putrid but for gloriously gruesome fun you can’t beat a scary movie from the era of leg-warmers and big hair.
To raise spirits even further, keep an eye out for the following clichés and take a swig of witches’ brew whenever any of them appear on screen (which they inevitably will).
You know you’re in an ’80s horror movie when ...
• A sinister, evil-looking doll is considered an appropriate gift for a child.
• The killer is able to sneak up on you because you’re listening to ’80s metal on your Sony Walkman.
• The bullies planning to do you wrong at school look to be well into their 20s, if not 30s.
• The phone call is coming from inside the house.
• You can’t close a bathroom medicine cabinet without something evil appearing in the mirror behind you.
• You’re the least popular person in school but the most attractive boy/girl in school invites you to the prom anyway.
• You’re certain the killer is about to jump out at you ... but it turns out to be a cat.
• The zombies are shambling, not running.
• The police are bumbling.
• You can jump through a window and fall three stories while escaping a madman without getting a scratch.
• Your secret sibling was born, or had something really bad happen to them, on a notable day like Valentine’s Day or April Fool’s Day.
• Your friends have all been hacked to pieces, but you’re still in the mood for some loving.
• John Carpenter is playing a synthesizer on the soundtrack.
• You wish mobile phones had been invented.
• A crazy old man warns you not to go somewhere or do something, but you do it anyway.
• The killer can travel great distances in seconds while walking at a leisurely pace.
• Your friend leaves you alone to find help when the best idea is obviously to stick together.
• Your parents send you to summer camp.
• You can summon demons by playing heavy metal albums backwards.
• You pick up the phone and the line is dead.
• The more dangerous things get, the less clothes you’re wearing.
• An abandoned, evil-looking school/log cabin/insane asylum seems like the ideal place for a party.
• The shadow creeping up on you behind the shower curtain turns out to be a loved one playing a prank.
• The house you want to buy is suspiciously cheap.
• You’re Jamie Lee Curtis.
• Your car stops working at the worst time possible … until you swear at it or hit it, then it starts working again.
• You’ve got a promiscuous friend, a zany friend, an overweight friend and a nice-guy friend (and that’s the order they’ll die in).
• You go back into the house to rescue the dog.
• Your parents keep a handy shoebox full of old newspaper clippings that explain everything.
• No matter what they’ve seen with their own eyes, the authority figures still won’t believe you.
• You’re sure you’re safe, but the killer has one last shock in store.
• It was all just a dream.