The Mindset Junkie: My path from self-sabotage to self-discovery
It was the worst feeling ever . . .
Smashing head on into a wall drunk on a Saturday at 10.30am after two days of partying drinking and taking drugs. It certainly wasn’t something I planned or imagined I’d ever do, but I did. The worst part is I don’t remember getting into the car.
The commotion that ensued afterwards was worse, as I was smashed straight in the face and almost knocked out by an onlooker (and rightly so) for what happened.
His thoughts that I was a joyrider in a stolen car weren’t true, it was mine, but it doesn’t make it any better. This was a busy road with kids off to play football on a Saturday morning. I thank God to this day that nothing worse happened.
I was bundled into the back of a police car, covered in blood and taken to the station to be charged. I was in such a state that they couldn’t breathalise me, so they put me into a cell first to sleep. They then took my bloods and put me back into the cell again. I was charged and released.
Still drunk and under the influence I went looking for some mates (loosely termed) and went back to a bar and continued drinking and partying until finally I was thrown out of the club for sleeping on a table.
The worst feeling ever, came when I woke the next morning.
What have I done, what has just happened?
I woke up in my flat, on top of my bed in my clothes from the past few days covered in blood, my face busted open but that didn’t matter.
What did matter was the overwhelming feeling of guilt and desperation that engulfed me, something that I’d never felt before.
Losing my license and my job was okay to take - I deserved it. Being back on benefits was bearable. The feeling of being worthless was a different story.
Deep down I knew I was worth so much more. Deep down I knew I had something else within me to give. Deep down I wanted more than the stupid s**t I kept getting myself into.
I’d love to say lightning struck and it all changed then. It didn’t! Not long after I was disqualified once again for driving while banned and a court case that took a year followed in which I was convicted of selling £45,000 worth of counterfeit goods.
One year later, after narrowly avoiding going to jail and living off benefits again, it all changed.
I made the decision that when the case was over things were going to change. I hadn’t a clue how but I knew that it would. And it did.
It certainly wasn’t overnight or plain sailing and it also wasn’t without its ups and downs but in my mind I’d made the decision. I was determined not to repeat any of those experiences.
So many of us stay stuck in routines and habits and self destruction that we hate. The loops and patterns are so strong that they can be hard to break. I understand this now but back then I didn’t know why it happened.
I was no different. For years and years I repeated the same bad habits, getting the same outcome and then repeating it.
The above story is part of a passage from a book t I’ve been working on, one that is almost finished. I say ‘almost’ as that inner critic has been stopping me from completing it. It sometimes feels like I’m writing about someone else and I am in a way.
Back then I was a product of an external environment. Things have changed since because I have changed my internal environment.