My father - the final journey: A Derry woman’s testimony

Here, Derry woman Mary Bonner shares her thoughts and feelings as she tended to her terminally ill father Bill Bonner, who was also suffering from Alzheimer’s. Bill Bonner was a well known, talented musician who played numerous venues over the years. In this intensely personal account Mary remembers her father, the heartbreak, the precious memories they shared, the concerns and relief over his care and the important supportive role one local taxi firm, Glassagh, has played throughout.
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One morning in February I got a phonecall from the carer to say you had passed blood, and that I would need to phone for a doctor. I told him I would be there soon.

When I phoned the doctor she explained that I would need to phone for an ambulance for you. And that I would have to travel separately, because of Covid.

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I arrived at the hospital just after you got there and you had to wait in line to be seen, then you were moved into a cubicle. We had got to the hospital about 12.30 and it was now 3.30 and no sign of a bed for you. So I went and asked one of the nurses would you have to wait much longer for a bed. She said you have to wait ‘til one was available but if I wanted, I could go on then, ‘Your dad will be fine here, he is sitting on the commode,’ so I thought I would give you your privacy and wait outside the cubicle. Then I heard a thud, you were lying on the floor, not moving or speaking when I went into you. So I called for a nurse and she called for two more. Then they lifted you off the floor. The alarm went off, in rushed four more. They kept calling your name, but no response, then at last, you took a breath. It was very emotional as I didn’t really know what to do. It ended up they had to resuscitate you, then I got back in to sit with you again.

The late Bill Bonner was a talented  and popular musician.The late Bill Bonner was a talented  and popular musician.
The late Bill Bonner was a talented and popular musician.

One morning I awoke to find two missed calls on my phone so I phoned the hospital. They told me you had fallen out of bed... Then one day I got a call from your oncologist. He told me you had bowel and lung cancer and you have six months to live and because of the Alzheimer’s you couldn’t get treatment. The visiting was only for an hour one day a week (because of Covid) so I bought you a mobile phone so we could talk. Any time I asked you if you need anything the answer was always, ‘Coke and chocolate’.

The nurses were great as you didn’t know how to use the mobile phone so they did all the phoning and answering for you.

It was hard then every visit I had with you, cos you kept asking me what’s wrong with you and ‘what’s going on?’ You hadn’t a clue about the cancer and being terminal.

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There was talk of putting you into a care home, but I said ‘no’, as I wanted to bring you home and let you die there. I asked and asked if I could bring you home, but I was told ‘no’ as I was already caring for someone else and I wouldn’t be able to give you the 24 hour care that you needed. So a meeting was set up to arrange for you to go into a care home. It broke my heart but it was taken out of my hands.

One morning I got a phonecall to say you had fallen out of bed and were now getting a ‘one-to-one’. I appreciated that... I had to go looking for the remote so I could put the horse racing on for you and set for the football to come on that night.

Then on Wednesday, April 21 you were moved to a care home. I met you there and told you that it was a private hospital as I knew you wouldn’t be too happy being in a care home, but looking back now I honestly believe you knew exactly where you were. I brought you down a TV, photos and more PJs, just to make it homely for you. I think it was on my third visit to the care home when you left me in tears, asking me why you were ‘in here for’ and saying ‘how did I know so much’ whenever you hadn’t even seen a doctor since you went in there and blaming me for putting you in there.

Thankfully the next time I went to visit you, you were in much better form, only when I was about to leave, you asked me to take you home with me, as you wanted to come home. I left in tears again.

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Then on Thursday May 21 I woke to discover four missed calls at 4:00am. So I phoned the care home, it now being 6:00am. I was told you hadn’t been feeling well and were brought into hospital. When I walked into your cubicle I thought you hadn’t long left to live, you looked terrible, grey, face gaunt and lying shivering as you only had a thin blanket round you and the room, seriously it was that cold it felt like a morgue. Luckily I had brought over a new dressing gown for you, so I wrapped that around you. I sat there a few hours while you slept.

The late Bill  Bonner was a talented  and popular musician.The late Bill  Bonner was a talented  and popular musician.
The late Bill Bonner was a talented and popular musician.

On Monday August 16 I got a phonecall to say you fell out of bed, and the nurse said you forgot to press the buzzer (does she not realise you have Alzheimer’s?) She said she heard the noise and when she went into you, you were lying on the floor. She told me the doctor checked you out and that you were grand. When she hung up I thought ;’Whatever happened to 24 hour care?’ The next day I went in to see you. Still no 24-hour care.... You kept asking was there somewhere that you could lay down, you didn’t know where you were. You got into the bed and pulled the blankets up around yourself. I asked if you were cold, you said yes so I put the dressing gown around you. You just lay there staring into nothing so I put the snooker on for you, You just looked like a small frightened child not knowing where you were or what was going on. It broke my heart having to leave you.

Walking down the corridor I met the senior staff. I asked why you weren’t getting 24 hour care. He said, ‘but he is getting 24 hour care’. I said, ‘then why is there no nurse sitting with my dad?’ ‘Oh you mean 1-1 care. I don’t have the staff for a 1-1, then went on to ask about my mum and how she was doing. I asked was it only one day a week a visit and was told I could come back on Thursday. On Thursday morning I got a call to say you had a bug in your urine and that was where the infection was coming from and was told they talked to palliative care for you in the care home and said because you were still losing blood you would deteriorate quickly over the next few weeks; said you had to get blood transfusions as you were losing so much blood.

Thankfully when I went in to see you again you were much brighter and talkative. It must have been the blood transfusions you got yesterday and then another today. At least I got to talk to you today and have a conversation, even though it was about horse racing as I put it on TV for you then to watch. Then you said you wanted to sleep so I sat by your bedside watching the race... And they’re off. Hard luck, the favourite won. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for lying to your face every time I see you. But seriously, I hated doing it. But it was to protect you, what with the Alzheimer’s you were confused enough. So for the last six months I’d been telling you the same story over and over again: that you were in hospital five weeks cos you were passing blood and would get out when the bleeding stopped. Even when you went into the care home I told you you had been moved to a private hospital cos you would have had a fit if you thought I put you into an old people’s home.

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On my way out I was told you were very agitated on Tuesday but settled down again. When I got home I phoned a social worker but he was on leave so I was put through to another one, who also passed me on to yet another social worker. He said he couldn’t help me as there was no referral made for you being in hospital. ‘Is this because he is terminal?’

I have never seen anyone die before so all this is new to me. It was heartbreaking watching you change from a man to a child. I only wish you didn’t have to suffer. You were sleeping the next time I went to visit you so as I sat waiting for you to waken I noticed blood stains splattered on the floor ... So I started cleaning just as a nurse came in and woke you so he could take more blood from you. He said you were getting another blood transfusion before they release you to the care home as your blood count was dropping. Then I went and got the remote and put on the TV for you. No horse racing or snooker today so I put on My Darling Clementine for you. It was a pleasure hearing you sing ‘Oh my darling Clementine’, then you thanked me for coming to see you. I was even allowed to hold your hand. Then five minutes later you were sleeping again. Then a nurse came in and woke you again. I said I had to go and you thanked me again and asked when I would be back again. I said I’ll try to get back and see you on Wednesday, you said for me not to put myself out and I said ‘I won’t’. How am I going to get through this when I am in floods of tears every time I leave you cos it breaks my heart seeing you like this and the worst is you don’t know you are dying.

On Tuesday you got moved back to the care home and I’m sorry for all the hassle but I just wanted you back there. About 4 o’clock I got a phone call to say there was no more visiting in the hospitals. I phoned the home to see how you had settled back in she said you were ‘confused and disorientated’ when you arrived but were settled in now. I bet I know why you were so confused. Someone in the hospital must have told you you were going home and you automatically thought you were coming back to your own house.

On Thursday when I went to see you, you were saying that you didn’t feel too good, and you were very agitated asking me if there was anything wrong with you.

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For the short time you were awake I was asking you about the bands you played in and you said you couldn’t remember and when I asked what age you played the drums at you said, ‘why? who plays the drums?’

I was glad when you went back into the care home, cos I knew you were looked after in there....

Then you asked what street we were in and did we get a new house and ‘I don’t like this new house’. I explained you were in hospital. I hated watching you suffer as I’ve never seen anybody die before.

It was hard to watch and it was heartbreaking but I tried to spend as much time with you as I knew your time was running out. So I kept going and was there to the end. All I ever got out of you was ‘my beautiful daughter, what would I do without you’.

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The next day a nurse from the care home phoned me, asking if you needed another blood transfusion would I want you to go back into hospital or else get the community care team to give it to you in your home. I said ‘the home’.

GLASSAGH TAXIS

I know I said at the beginning of your diagnosis that I would bring you home to die nearer the end (which is now) but seriously I couldn’t as I was told often enough you needed 24 hour care and that I had enough to cope with that you would be better off staying in the home. Seriously I would have been lost without Glassagh Taxis, as I must admit I got some rants out of me in their cars after coming out of the hospital and I appreciate and thank each and every one of them for allowing me to rant, as it meant I was able to go home in a better frame of mind. Thank you also the dispatchers for putting up with me too. Thank you all again.

Glassagh Taxis

Are the best

They’re even better

Than all the rest

Loyal, reliable

And friendly too

So now you know

What you have to do

To get safely home

Just phone

02871361111.

On leaving the home the other day, the nurse was telling me ‘that you are not a strong man’. So I phoned the next day to see how you were and was told you were very confused and very weak.

I then asked if I was the only visitor allowed in as your brother was looking for a visit. I was asked how many children you had. I said ‘I was the one and only’. The next day you were very agitated and they were waiting on the doctor to get back about upping your morphine. She said you were getting it every four hours and you weren’t eating. I know you are in pain and suffering but could you hold on in there for at least another two weeks just so I can get the painting finished. You were just after drinking your supplement when I came in to see you again. One of the nurses was up with you and said, ‘There’s Mary’. You said, ‘That’s not Mary’, so I told you it was me and that I had to wear a mask coming in to see you. Then you fell asleep again. You looked so peaceful lying there. How am I going to get through the next couple of weeks? Every day I pray I get the strength to get me through the day.

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You were awake today and watching the TV. We talked about the football, then I asked you what age you started playing in a band. ‘I don’t remember’, you said. ‘What age were you when playing in The Coasters?’ I asked. ‘Who cares anymore’, you replied....

You had a bad day on Wednesday, not saying much and anytime I asked you a question the answer was always ‘I don’t remember’. The next day you told me you weren’t feeling too good. I said ‘what’s wrong with you’, and you said ‘I feel ump’. Today I was talking to you about the times we used to go and collect your drum-kits, 26 pubs I counted that we went to. The Rocking Chair was our second home. Then you said you weren’t feeling very happy today. I said, ‘Why what’s wrong?’ ‘I don’t know’, you said. ‘Well you should be happy, aren’t I here to see you?’ I replied. And you smiled. It breaks my heart having to take my hand off your hand and say ‘I have to go’....

Wednesday morning I got a phonecall to say, ‘sorry, you had a fall’; said you seemed to be fine, nothing broke, just a bruise on your right arm and that they were monitoring you every half hour as they knew I didn’t want you going back into hospital again. What a visit I had the next day. You didn’t know me, the nurse said here’s your daughter Mary’. ‘Who are you?’ you asked me. ‘It’s your one and only,’ I replied. ‘Who?’ you asked. ‘It’s me Mary’. Sorry but I couldn’t hold in the tears any more. so I gently sat your hand down and said ‘I’ll be back in a minute’ and went and stood outside your door crying my eyes out. I stood there for a few minutes, gathered myself, went back in and held your hand again, as you lay there, your eyes were glazy and you were just staring out of the window. So I went and asked the nurse if she had given you anything and she said, ‘Mary, that’s your father deteriorating, he was given six months, six months ago’.

It really hit home then, how am I going to do this? I can’t help you, but I’ll be there as often as I can by your side, holding your hand and going on your journey with you, so you know you are not on your own.

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Just before 8 on Saturday night I got a phonecall to say ‘if I wanted to come and see you, as they didn’t think you’d last the night’. I prayed that you would last the next hour or so just so to give me time to arrange a sitter.

It was so sad having to watch you die but I wanted to be there for you. I managed to put the scapular round your neck and asked if it could be left on you. I told you that I loved you and that you could go in peace. Just then the death rattles scared me as I sat holding your hand.

Hours passed, you were still the same and I know you weren’t going to die yet so I left and went home. Still no change over the weekend, then in the early hours of Monday morning I got a phone call to say you might not live long.

I cried when I walked into you cos I knew by looking at you that you weren’t going to last much longer.

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On Monday afternoon I phoned the home to say I would be there about 5.30 or 6. Standing outside the home for some reason I looked at my watch. 17:27 it was. Just then the nurse came out to let me in. She said, ‘Mary, I’m so sorry but your father is just after passing away’. I fell back onto the chair and she asked if there was someone she could phone for me. I said no. She then asked if I wanted to see you. Of course I said yes as I didn’t think I would have been able to see you. At least you were at peace now, and still wearing the scapular around your neck.

Then the nurse and the priest came into your room. We prayed, then I gathered your photos and then left when Paddy came to collect me. As if that wasn’t bad enough seeing you dead, I then had to go home and tell your wife you had died. She cried uncontrollably, then my phone never stopped ringing.

Luckily for me Paddy was in the house when the undertaker arrived. He said they would collect your remains from the home that night and then bring you to the house at 2 o’clock the next day. The house never emptied for two days, then the funeral was on Thursday at 11 Mass. From what I remember of it there was a good crowd there, even Terry, a friend of mine said: ‘Mary I’ve never seen as many musicians at the one time, as I did at the funeral’.

It was wet, windy and cold when we got to the cemetery. The priest said prayers over your grave as they lowered you into the ground. Then when he finished praying, ‘Red, Red Wine’ sung out around your grave.

Mary Bonner.

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