Skirting the Issue - An open letter to Beyonce

Dear Beyonce,

First of all congratulations on the birth of your no doubt very beautiful daughter. I hear the birth went very well and that both you and your new daughter are doing well. As we would say in Derry - ‘am lurred for ye’.

From one mother to another, can I give you a bit of advice. Never be afraid to hug your baby - to cuddle her and squish her and kiss her beautiful soft cheeks. Revel in her. Spend as much time as you want getting to know her - just sleeping, and feeding and getting to know her face. Those faces change very quickly you know. I’m staring down the barrel at my own daughter’s third birthday and my son’s eighth birthday and frig knows where those years have gone.

Don’t be rushing back to the gym, and starting dieting and hire in a personal trainer and the like so that next week, you can appear in the papers all skinny and back to your pre-pregnancy figure. Enjoy motherhood. You may be a very famous and much in demand singer but you will never be more in demand than you are now. Your wee baby needs you. Be there for her. Show the world that being a mammy is a very important job too.

You’ve always struck me as a kind of well balanced person, Beyonce. If I’m honest, I kind of hero worship you. Without sounding like an ‘aul lick’ (I’ll explain that one to you later) I think you are pretty darn inspirational, gorgeous and talented. You have curves in all the right places. And you can fairly move. I have made no secret of revealing in the past that you are my girl crush.

So now that I’ve come down with the positive, can we get onto the more serious business. Blue Ivy? Really? Our dog (or at least my mammy’s dog who we like to refer to as our own) is called Blue. It’s a cracking name for a fuzzy butted little Cairn Terrier who likes to run at you wagging his tale when he sees you - but for a baby? Have you thought about how the poor critter will get on at school? It wouldn’t go down well in the playgrounds here anyway.

Then again I suppose, it if means something to you then fair enough but can we really have a proper chat about how over the top you have gone with your post baby spending? Now I get the urge to splurge when you have a baby. When I had mine I loved sauntering around the shops looking at prams and cots and teeny tiny vests.

But if reports are to be believed you and Jay Z have decorated three identical nurseries in each of your three homes so that your precious princess always feels at home, no matter where she is. The cost of this? A meagre £240,000.

Although she is not even a week old yet, there are reports you have bought a fairytale playhouse, at a cost of a mere £20,000 for the wee dote. She’ll not be anywhere near sitting yet but apparantly you have purchased a Swarovski crystal encrusted high chair for a mere £10,000 and for when baby Blue is old enough to get mobile there is a mini Bugatti car (for an undisclosed sum) and £400,000 solid gold rocking horse.

The tot’s cot cost, it is reported, a mere $20,000.

Now I’m not begrudging you spending what you have to look after your first born. I didn’t for a second imagine that instead of going all on baby Blue you would be stocking your nursery from Argos and hanging about for the January sales to bag yourself a bargain buggy in last year’s colours. But seriously, are you wise?

Your baby won’t know if what she sleeps in costs £20 or £20,000. The more extravagant and expensive items are really for her, are they? They are to make you feel perhaps like a better parent - one who can cater to every whim and whose child will grow up with priviledges and fortune beyond the mere mortal’s imagination.

I should tell you, my lovely heroine, that your baby doesn’t really care about these things. She just cares that her mamma is there for her, and loves her and will be there for her emotionally throughout her early years.

And I have to say the level of sheer extravagance that you have gone to has shocked me. Buying a new born a solid gold rocking horse - at a time when the rest of the world is struggling to put food on the table is gauche - regardless of how insignificant the cost is in proportion to your fortune. (I still love you, though....)

On a more practical note when I first heard about the crystal encrusted highchair, I immediately grimaced. I wouldn’t like to be the one trying to pick Hipp Organic very orange cottage pie out of that bad boy. Forget crystal encrusted, that one would be Weetabix encrusted within a week and that stuff is bloody hard to chip off. Trust me.

So take my advice (because I know you will have been patiently waiting for the article) - spend less money and spend more time with your baby. Look after her, yourself and enjoy the motherhood experience.

And if you want to reconsider the name at all, please feel free to. I have a great book of baby names in the house you can have a lend of if you want.

Much love, Claire