Fantastic Four - film review

'Fantastic Four' is out now.
'Fantastic Four' is out now.

Imagine this. Shipquay Street is covered in ice. You are at the top, you lose your balance and slip, slide and fall all the way to the bottom.

You’ve sustained a fractured skull, two broken legs and your dignity is in tatters but as you lie there calling for help you can rest assured that things could be a whole lot worse - you could have gone to see ‘Fantastic Four!’

Dr. Doom in 'Fantastic Four'.

Dr. Doom in 'Fantastic Four'.

I can’t recall a time when I was more disappointed in a film. There was ‘The Man of Steel’ a few years ago but that doesn’t come close to the level of awfulness that oozes from this film.

I was excited when the trailer for the Marvel re-boot was released a few months ago. It looked dark and atmospheric - kudos to whoever put the trailer together because it made me want to see the movie.

Go to see the movie I did and I can honestly say the 100 or so minutes I spent watching this awful film was, without question, one of the worst experiences I have ever had to endure in a cinema.

When I was about six or seven my parents bought me a Dr. Doom figurine. I was obsessed with Dr. Doom. Everywhere I went, he came with me.

Dr. Doom in 'Fantastic Four'.

Dr. Doom in 'Fantastic Four'.

Anyone who has been to see ‘Fantastic Four’ will testify that not only does Dr. Doom lack any degree of threat or terror in the film, but he looks like a crash test which had gone over board with crack cocaine, poitín and Scotch eggs!

The only redeeming feature this film has is that there is an ending and that its life draining ability is not infinite.

‘Fantastic Four’ is one of the worst ever superhero movies to be made.

I really felt sorry for Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara and Jamie Bell because they really tried their very best to make the film work.

Given the fact it is now 2015, the CGI effects in ‘Fantastic Four’ are amongst the worst I have ever seen in my life.

Not only is it poorly produced but the film ends so abruptly that I wasn’t exactly aware of what just happened.

‘Fantastic Four’ is like a night out when everything that can go wrong did go wrong.

It would have been much easier for Josh Trunk to have made a mildly entertaining film than it was for him to come up with this tripe.

The film’s script makes what comes out of U.S. Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump’s mouth sound tempered and Shakespearean.

It’s completely rushed and I can’t imagine how anyone could defend this film. It’s an absolute shambles and to be perfectly honest you would have better luck convincing the Hague that ISIS was a group of misunderstood pacifists.

Quite frankly, I believe anyone who has been to see this film should contact the consumer ombudsman with a view to demanding 20th Century Fox give them a refund.

Stay at home or, if the idea takes you, wait for the ice and throw yourself down Shipquay Street.

VERDICT: 1/5 - I can’t remember a time when I was more disappointed in a film. ‘Fantastic Four’ is rushed, poorly written and the special effects are extraordinarily poor. The grim reality of this film is that it has more in common with the taste you experience in your mouth after throwing up than it does with other superhero films.

Dr. Doom looks as threatening as a bowl of porridge and the abrupt ending is bizarre.